| I have so much on my mind and in my heart right now, but I don't know if I have the words or capacity to explain.
It's a strange thing when your prayers materialize right before your eyes.
We pray for signs in our lives, we pray for strength, for insight... I pray for my family, my friends, and for the ability to live the right path for myself. So often, I pray for inanimate things, like strength and insight. When these things come they cannot be seen or touched, so it's hard to say that I've been heard. The past six months or so, my prayers have mostly been about one particular part of my life. I started praying for insight and strength, but being human I could only pray for these things so long. Eventually, I needed something tangible. Something that showed me, without a doubt, that someone was listening and saw my problem. Saw that I needed help, saw that I didn't know what to do. I prayed for signs. Some came I believe, but they were small and subtle. At the time, they couldn't have been more than coincidences. So I returned to prayer again, I asked for stronger signs, something I couldn't deny. After all, I couldn't risk so much on something that could be a mere coincidence. I believe more signs came, and as time went on it was harder and harder to deny all of these occurrences, interactions as- but still, I was risking so much. I prayed more. I asked God for something, anything, to show me I was making a decision that wasn't right for my life.
When those prayers are realized, in forms that absolutely cannot be argued, it's shocking. Which is strange. I feel as though I'm a person of strong faith, so why should I be taken by surprise when my prayers are answered?
I shouldn't be.
Nor should I continue to make excuses for myself when I disregard the insight and the tangible signs that I've been given.
*
It's hard to let go of something that you're used to. Hard for me, anyway. Even if that something isn't right for you, and you've known that it's been wrong for you for so long...
Here's the part where I need to learn to let others in... really let them in. I decide things before I discuss them with anyone else, even if the decision I am making directly relates to or affects someone else. I'm a little more introverted than I appear. I only begin to discuss things once I've made up my mind. This isn't always a bad thing, but in my currently scenario, it partially is. Mostly is. I'm not saying that I would have made a different decision had I talked everything over. I know I wouldn't have. But I think I could have made it easier on someone else. And I hate that I hurt someone else, and made it harder for them. |
